Throughout the healing
Through the healing
My trauma was like a storm
If I wasn’t in my centre
If I wasn’t aware
Then this storm
Would take down any shelter
Any living being
That was in my way
And that’s how we continue
To hurt and exhaust the ones we love
There is a fine line of balance
To be present for our loved ones
Whilst communicating
what we are going through
And it can take long hours of
Talking before we reach the truth
Of the matter
It takes two to tango they say
I’m in a dance of four
I’m not sure what the best way
Is - all I want is a healthy form of relation
I don’t believe that
“This is the way it is”
Is a good answer for us all
If it means we keep harming one another
Because I’ve know the painful version
All of my life
I’ll ask the question now
So somewhere along the way
The answers can be found
In The Studio
I am naturally a sociable and easily distracted person. I can also take long to make decisions, weighing up the pros and cons beforehand and then still doubting myself that I made the right decision.
Then lately, when these identities I hold for myself come up as I stare into the mirror, the person who stares back at me shakes her head.
Because even as I write this down to tell you, I am finding that I can no longer identify fully with this said character.
I don’t know if there is an invisible force of hand driving me, or my pure belief that my dream will be realised. I don’t know if I’ve just gone past the stage of trying different things to finally know what I want. Or maybe age is starting to speak her subtle changes to me…
Or simply that - in committing to this path by taking action, taking one step at a time has just changed me. A combination of one or all of these reasons reflect back to me a person, who is, in fact, quite focused.
I worry less about other’s opinions or how things should be done and instead I reflect on how I want to approach things, as it is my creative business. And that in turn have made me become more self trusting and self responsible.
In being honest with myself about which skills I was lacking and by showing up daily to bridge the gap between my imagination and my skills, I have become more organised and focused.
This act of showing up for myself has made me feel closer to myself. We talk about developing intimacy in relationships but I can’t even begin to describe to you how fulfilling it feels to be intimate with myself. Ok don’t think so dirty. I mean professionally and personally ok? I mean- having this sense of direction feels really good.
And I understand what it feels like to be lost and confused because that was me 5 years ago. That is not to say that feeling confused and lost hasn’t gone away. But it just feels good to finally gain some clarity.
I wrote these particular lines in a social media post the other day and I was really surprised by what came out:
They say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. And working on this painting has been my teacher.
It appeared because I made the decision to start my first painting series, titled “Freedom”. It was a daunting thing for me because I had questions like, “Do I have enough mental stability and focus to do work on just one theme?” “Will I get bored?” “What if I can’t think of new ideas after the first piece?”
All my life I feel like I’ve always been easily distracted. I dabbled into many creative activities like dancing or writing or illustrations and podcasting. I didn’t think I had it in me to just commit to something.
Even as a child, I was always quite lost. I think children are asked to decide so early what they want to “be” when they grow up. But isn’t the “who” they become as they do grow up, so much more important? When asked this question I answered - “a teacher, archaeologist or a writer”. I had three answers 😂
Over the past few months, working on this piece allowed me to get to know a part of myself, who can become so focused on one thing and one thing alone. And in doing so I found that one doesn’t mean the end. One means multiple possibilities contained in a single focus.
And you know what? I like the person I am becoming. Just like this mountain lady, who is giving strong, focused and determined energies, she is helping me to reflect back to me that commitment is perhaps the most freeing thing of all.
I’m nearly done with this one! I’ll see her through to completion then we will get straight into piece 2 of the series
So that was what I wrote. With all of the things said above, of course, I shouldn’t even be surprised.
Sometimes it is that one decision that changes the trajectory of our life journeys. No matter who we have been before, we must be willing to let go of an idea of the person we think we are.
This is a season of my life and I am enjoying the person I get to be with along the way. And after writing this, I know the person staring back at me in the mirror is beaming with a huge smile on her face and a heart full of satisfaction.
Some housekeeping refreshers:
Firstly, check out this page if you have forgotten who I am.
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With love,
Win
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